- Just how much dealing with bodily fluids can a person handle before they go postal?
- How can a little girl love the potty so much and want to use it at exhaustingly regular intervals throughout the day, but poop in her pants for 2 weeks straight? (Again with the bodily fluids. Oy.)
- When is Mary Poppins going to show up and snap her fingers to clean my house and fold my laundry?
- And how can such little people produce such grotesque amounts of laundry anyway?
- With the amount of complaining that goes on during meals ("that's disgusting" or "i don't want to eat this") I sometimes wonder if it would be better for my sanity to invest in a lifetime supply of frozen meals? There would still be the same amount of complaining but at least I wouldn't have wasted any time on it.
- And speaking of making meals for a family, why can't we live off of cookies, brownies, cupcakes or anything containing a main ingredient of chocolate? At least then we'd all enjoy eating dinner. And the leftovers.
- How do other full-time moms exercise? Honestly, it is a mystery of epic proportions to me. Someone please enlighten me. I'm desperate to figure out some kind of work-out schedule.
- I would really appreciate it if the person who is letting their dog take a dump on the grass outside the back of our house would pick it up afterward. It's a common area so let's just be respectful of us common folk who use it, k?
- Wow, that's a lot of complaining. Don't I think about anything positive?
- Well, probably not at this time of night, which is the only time I get for myself.
- Maybe I should just go to bed so I can relax and feel refreshed in the morning.
- I would also probably do better during the day if, besides exercise, I could have a nice, relaxing shower without it being interrupted by screaming, waking up the baby, fighting, breaking things, etc.
- Speaking of which, I have a funny story...
I was telling my friend Lisa about a dream I had last night and realized it was too priceless not to share. In this dream I was driving around in my minivan with all of my kids. I kept driving to different houses, even some hotels, not sure what I was looking for but I would stop and try to get out but these obnoxious sheep were following us everywhere. They kept trying to squeeze their way into the car, or into the houses/hotels I was visiting. Finally, I drove into a neighborhood with a house that was some sort of B&B. And then it also finally clicked what I had been looking for...a shower! A quiet, relaxing shower with no noise, no interruptions or disturbances of any kind. So, of course, to achieve this sort of nirvana I had to leave the kids in the car (which apparently I was more than happy to do) and I made my way into this house. But there were those darn sheep following me. So I distracted them by throwing a ball one direction and running in the opposite direction for the door to my room. I made it in with only one sheep slipping in behind me but I wasn't finished yet. I jumped over that persistent sheep with tunnel vision for that bathroom door. Everything else blurred and I could see a sort of glow emanating from the room that was my goal. I nearly slammed my own hair in the door but that stubborn sheep bumped its nose on the outside of the door as I locked it shut and shouted in victory! I turned in triumph to my prize...a gleaming shower, nearly glowing with glory. I swear I could hear angels heralding the coming joy. A shower! A shower! It is all yours!!! Immediately I turned the faucets as hot as I could handle, filling the wonderful room with glorious, relaxing steam. I was ready to step into my new-found wonderland when, in the distance I heard... Bang! Bang! Bang! I wanted to cry. Someone was banging on the outside door to my room. Even though I couldn't see who it was, I knew that someone had found my kids unattended and they were coming to demand that I resume my parental duties. And right outside the bathroom that obnoxious sheep was pawing at the door like a puppy...
Of course what puts the icing on the cake is that I'd been asleep for less than an hour when I was woken from this very telling dream by, 1) my husband snoring, and 2) my baby crying. My analysis? Momma needs some "me" time. Or a vacation. Or a live-in nanny.
Or a sound-proof shower.
Preferably with lots of steam.